A quick note!
We all have behaviours and mechanisms that stood us in good stead whilst we were growing up. These forms of self protection kept us safe as children and allowed us to cope with the stresses of growing up and protected us. They allowed us to feel less pain when attacked by others and to feel safe when the world around us was falling apart or just plain scary.
Our parents and educators warned us about interacting with others out of fear of being taken advantage of in some or other way. This was important at that stage of our lives, however we need to acknowledge that we have grown up and have other defenses we can use. We have to acknowledge that we DO want to interact with other people on various levels and for all sorts of purposes. We now want and need to be held and loved and comforted by others.
The difference between Humans and the rest of the animal kingdom is that we have a sense of discretion. We can choose who and want we want to be. This ability to choose is what makes us incredibly special. We do not have to perpetuate our past, our beliefs or our upbringing. People who were abused or witnessed abuses do not have to become abusers. They can choose to be more. They can choose to reject ways of living that do not suit them. They can also choose to step out of their fears and begin living. This is the true sign of coming of age. Unlearn what does not serve you and relearn it and understand it in a new way.
We each need to analyse which of our behaviours serves us and which enslave us and we need to unlearn so much and replace old ways with ways that now serve us a adults.
Trust is such a difficult concept and so many of us live a stunted life because we just will not allow ourselves to trust. I see so many people pulling back from intimacy out of fear of loss. The main reason you fear loosing something is because it IS what you want. You need to allow love in, even though the chances are good that it will fail often and we will be hurt. This kind of pain is not something to fear, it is something to face, over and over again until we find our place. It makes us strong because we learn that as adults we are able to face and handle anything. "The only unbearable thing in life is that NOTHING is unbearable!" - (Love and Eternity).
Remember a special relationship is special because you do not find it easily. So you have to persevere until you find it. You need to approach each possible relationship without using your past experiences as a hindrance. You need to approach each relationship with fresh eyes. I'm not saying be foolish but I am saying that each person you see is NOT the person you last dated or where hurt by and thus do not prejudice them by what others have done. You need to make yourself vulnerable because it is only by trusting that we can learn whether someone can be trusted or not.
A previous note dealt with expectations in relationships and how damaging they can be so maybe go back and read that again at this point.
So take the time to evaluate which of your learned behaviours serve you and which of then hold you in chains.
We do not have to lie to others and fool ourselves by telling ourselves that we are protecting others. We can learn to say no to the behaviours others try and force on us. No is such an important concept. As much as us knowing what we do want, we also need to express what we do not want.
Once we have unlearned and relearned, we need to set boundaries with ourselves and with others. It is making decisions counter to our habits and our upbringing, with our true needs in mind, that builds our own self-esteem.
Unlearn, relearn and grow... Remember it is only through trusting that we learn to trust and be trusted!!!
No comments:
Post a Comment